If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
You Might Also Like
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
A collection of me turning into random objects.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler