I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
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*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.