This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
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My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever