We found love in a hopeless place.
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When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.