Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
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my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*