“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
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netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
no their not
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
it must be school picture day
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.