Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.