7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
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Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Leaving the Barbers like
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Super Hand Dog Face
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.