First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
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You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
“TGIM!” – My liver
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no