Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
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THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise