it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do