How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
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Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Left at a local drug store…
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in