you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
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wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If you know, you know
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
car not found
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Software Development ⛵️
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.