I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
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I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
#Caturday
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff