I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
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burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe