[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
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You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.