Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
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The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale