[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
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Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.