I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
This is amazing.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice