You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
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I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)