Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
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Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
who wore it better?
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.