Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
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A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’