People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
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Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
This classic never gets old . . .
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?