Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
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AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
#ProTip
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*