Finally! 😈
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boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
True
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.