9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
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[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
the red hot silly peppers