Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
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I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no