me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
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The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
Happy Taco Tuesday
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.