“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.