ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
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Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I have many caverns
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.