[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.