when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
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Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*