EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
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Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
“That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please”
-Veterinarians
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.