[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
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Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.