If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
satan: not today, microsoft teams
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away