Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
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For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack