*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
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*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!