Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
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It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
“Huge”.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.