Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Stay humble, you are someone’s weird coworker.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”