I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
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Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
They did not think through this water fountain
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
WHAT DO WE WANT!?
A forum for passive aggressive behavior!
WHEN do we want it?
NOW would be great but you seem busy sooo whatever.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun