This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
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Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Can’t stop laughing
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?