I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
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I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.