Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
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With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.