Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
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Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
I’m aging like a fine banana
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE