[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
absolute chaos
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.