ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
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using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
These are my roll models.
I cannot call her anything else now
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Guy who likes music
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way