“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
there’s probably a fee though
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there