I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
You Might Also Like
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.