Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
This sounds bad:
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP