Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
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OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Somebody’s lying.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I’m being attacked 😭
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s